It’s not easy to manage emotional triggers related to your parents or family. To sit in compassionate presence with the situation without feeling your blood boiling, or your throat tightening or tears welling up.
But it is possible.
I know I’ve done it. And if I can do it – so can you.
In the video below, I share one of the most remarkable experiences of my life; how I was able to sit through a highly-charged, confrontational conversation with my father and step-mother, and instead of getting upset or angry, shifting (as my sister put it) “from my usual gemini response to a jedi one.”
We knew the conversation was brewing, and I wanted to get not only in the right head space, but in the right heart space. To be able to step out of my own story and be objectively present in the conversation – without the emotional charge.
So I gave myself a couple of hours and went down to the beach.
As I walked along the shore, I took myself through the following process, which I’m summarising as 6 steps for you here:
The 6 steps
- Notice your feelings – name what you’re experiencing and where it shows up in your body.
- Identify your underlying need – can you notice what’s really driving the emotion?
- Offer yourself advice – what wisdom would you offer yourself around this need?
- Acknowledge the other person’s need – what might they be yearning for beneath the surface?
- Visualise your inner child – offer them the love and support they crave.
- Visualise their inner child – connect with their essence, what makes them unique and loveable, and notice any compassion that arises.
The full details of my insights can be gleaned from the video below, but suffice to say, walking along that beach, I came to the realisation that I’d been giving my power away. I’d been looking outside myself for something that my father could not give. But I could however, be responsible for meeting my own needs.
I felt ready.
The conversation that evening steered towards stormy shores and soon enough, rough, choppy waters. But rather than feel I was drowning, I felt fully present – centred in compassion for my father and stepmother. Whatever they threw at me washed over me, not because I’d closed my heart, but because I was able to hold space with a new quality of listening and presence. It felt freeing.
Did it change anything? No, my father is still stuck on the same track. But it changed me.
I felt lighter, more grounded and – ironically – more loving towards him.
So if you’re feeling trapped, triggered and helpless – I invite you to try these steps above, making sure that you give yourself time and space to go through it, preferably somewhere peaceful and energising.
Of course this assumes you have the benefit of pre-empting a triggering conversation. If, on the other hand, you need a tool for diffusing triggers in the moment, then my video on managing your self-talk may help.
Best of luck – may the force be with you!
