Are You Aware Of Your Self-talk?
It’s called Self-Talk because
– it’s always about “me, myself and I”
– it literally sounds like a voice in your head (this can sound like you, or even someone you know – like a parent).
The more you tune in to it, the more you will be aware that it is constantly criticising:
– yourself
– others
– & circumstance.
We all have it – I promise, it’s not just you.
So why do we have it? And why is it, more often than not – so horribly judgemental?
Our Brains Are Wired To Threat.
Our brains’ top priority is survival. As primates, our monkey mind knows that we need to remain part of the pack to ensure safety. Social acceptance is therefore an existential imperative.
And so we pre-empt judgement from others, and use it to ensure we always play safe.
The Cost Of Fitting In.
We do everything that we can as young children in order to achieve this acceptance; be it from our care-givers, family, friends, community or country.
We swallow down aspects of ourselves that are considered “too much” or “too little” and this then becomes the template for our beliefs, behaviours and for how we show up in our lives.
We all have a different flavour of this “I’m not pretty enough / smart enough / qualified enough” etc. (even though we have no idea where this elusive benchmark of “enough-ness” is set).
As children, we take criticism at face value, so we mute, hide, repress and hate upon the aspects of ourselves that we consider anethama to receiving love.
Jung likened this to hiding parts of ourselves in a long bag, which we then drag behind us all our lives.
But what we resist persists, often as physical blockages in our nervous system, keeping us stuck in a pattern of self-loathing or fear.
But energy wants to flow, and our body knows how to self-regulate better than our mind. So the parts of us that are judged and made wrong, will keep bubbling up, trying to be heard and re-integrated.
In this way our inner-critic is also our guide.
The Path to Reclaiming Self
Much of the work that we do as coaches and therapists involves integrating these aspects of ourselves – which we do using the opposite of self-cricitism; self- compassion and love.
This doesn’t mean indulging or becoming the “worst” aspects of ourselves or indulging behaviour that is anti-social or unethical. It just means accepting ourselves in all our flaw-someness as a work-in-progress, without putting limits and conditions on it.
Much as we might do to a friend or loved one.
Because how can we ever receive love unconditionally from others, if we cannot offer it to ourselves first? And how as parents, can we ever preach unconditional self-love to our children, if we cannot model it for them?
The Obstacle Is the Way
In this way, our inner critic serves a purpose.
It provides the means for our own learning, growth and progress, by providing the sign-post to the aspects of ourselves that need to be heard, acknowledged and healed.
And if this sounds scary to you – well that’s your Judge talking.
So How Do We Get Rid Of Our Judge?
Well you can’t and you don’t want to.
It will always be there, but you can turn down the volume enough so you get to hear the wiser, more compassionate voice inside.
We all have this too.
Including you.
Bonus Meditation
If you’d like to tune into aspects of yourself that want to be heard, acknowledged and healed, this 7-minute mindbody meditation will help you tune in, and release any programs, patterns or beliefs keeping you stuck.
Give it a go. Your nervous system will thank you.
